Más allá de la Comunicación en la Pareja

Psicólogo Marco Barrientos

¿Qué dice una pareja cuando dice que tiene problemas de comunicación?. Con gran frecuencia, y particularmente en el contexto de la terapia, las parejas suelen describir sus problemas como problemas de comunicación.

Hay una cuestión evidente aquí, la observación más concreta muestra que a los miembros de la pareja les cuesta entenderse, les cuesta ponerse de acuerdo e incluso, a veces, les cuesta mantener una conversación sin perderse en espacios de discusión a los que ni saben cómo entran. La explicación más inmediata de la que se echa mano es que, en algún punto del camino y por razones que no están del todo claras, esa pareja perdió la habilidad de conversar, extraviándose en un laberinto de recriminaciones mutuas sazonadas de la añoranza de aquellos tiempos en que era precisamente esa, la habilidad de conversar y de entenderse, una de las piedras angulares de la relación.

Referirse a esta situación catalogándola como un problema de comunicación es sobre simplificar una realidad mucho más compleja. Las parejas descubren con frustración que mejorar la sola habilidad de comunicación (existen muchos talleres y retiros para parejas, destinados a desarrollar  estas habilidades) no solo no resuelve el problema, si no que a veces lo empeora.

Lo que resulta apasionante en cualquier conflicto de pareja es su dimensión epistemológica, de la que los protagonistas apenas tienen conciencia. Lo que está en juego en la discrepancia es la propia definición de la realidad que poseen ambos miembros  de la pareja. De esta manera, las implicancias de las reiteradas discusiones cotidianas alcanzan niveles  de trascendencia que superan la conciencia de los implicados y son  el motivo por el cual se eternizan y no logran resolverse utilizando la vieja estrategia de “alguien tiene que ceder”.

El filósofo francés Roland Barthes decía, en su libro Fragmentos de un Discurso Amoroso, que una recurrencia observada en las parejas es que cada uno quiere hablar al final. Decir la última palabra es zanjar la cuestión, es terminar la discusión definiendo como es la situación en disputa, es imponer una realidad. La propia realidad. Tal situación es vivida por el otro como una imposición que resulta directamente inaceptable, porque viola la certeza más profunda que  se tiene frente al fenómeno en disputa.

La respuesta fácil para salir de la contienda puede ser ceder, entregarse al punto de vista del otro. En definitiva esto resulta en una especie de engaño: se hace aparecer que se está en acuerdo, cuando realmente  la propia certeza no ha variado en nada. Se “finge” que se está de acuerdo para superar la discusión contingente, pero a la primera señal de discordia se vuelve a la carga, una y otra vez en discusiones que parecen infinitas, aquellas en las que se comienza discutiendo por una cosa y se termina en esos temas que se suponían ya zanjados.

La solución de este punto no radica necesariamente en más o mejor comunicación, si no en aceptar una premisa compleja y sólo hasta cierto punto obvia: que ambos miembros de la pareja tienen diferentes, pero igualmente legítimas realidades.

 El primer paso aquí es acercarse a una comprensión profunda del otro. El segundo es entregarse a una interacción colaborativa  (por oposición a la competitiva) que permita, más que ganar el punto, encontrar un lugar intermedio en el que ambos se sientan suficientemente cómodos.

El desafío entonces resulta más complejo: ya no se trata de hablar y escucharse mejor, si no de asomarse a la realidad del otro. Ya no se trata sólo de cómo argumentar con más precisión, si no de aventurarse y aprender a construir un espacio mutuo, que constituya la vida de ambos de una manera satisfactoria.

Se trata de entender que, sólo por el hecho de haber aceptado vivir en pareja, esa vida es diferente a la que se viviría sin ella.

Suena obvio, pero con asombrosa frecuencia no lo es.

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